My hands are shaking.
It’s never easy opening up to strangers about addictions. Like a rum cake at an AA meeting, I have a ‘not supposed to be here’ knot in my stomach, but I truly believe that talking about one’s problems is the first step towards rehabilitation.
The rest of you might be too ashamed to admit it, but I am not. Not anymore.
My name is Denise and I am a Free e-Book Junkie.
There! I said it! FREEEEEDOM!
I started out as a dealer. I gave it away. For free. In an attempt to increase sales and grab that elusive golden ring we call Exposure, I had sacrificed my e-Books up to the Gods of Amazon for a freebie week and saw, to my horror/delight, my ‘sales’ soar. *cough* (excuse me, but that word, in this particular context, catches in my throat).
Okay. There is an obvious need for three brand new words here, so let me offer them to Miriam’s Dictionary:
the act of selling without actually selling a bloody thing; must be written with single quotation marks and blood dripping from your freshly bitten tongue
horlight [hawr- lahyt]
a combination of the words horror/delight meaning: a high degree of pleasure suffused with an overwhelming feeling of shock and revulsion. (e.g.- When one gives away one’s novel for free and it gets downloaded to hundreds of Kindles, which thrills you, BUT you don`t earn a single penny, which kills you. The residual feeling being akin to slicing open one`s veins at a Team Edward* buffet.
*outdated vampire-lit reference intentional
the state of being enslaved to the habit of buying eBooks like a crack whore with a fist full of Benjamins
END OF PAUSE
As I was saying, I started out as an innocent dealer, but one day, purely by accident, I downloaded an e-book on my previously unused computer Kindle. (Yes, Amazon throws around free reading apps for your computer like rice at a wedding: Free Amazon Kindle Reading App). I was ignorant of the danger I was in back in those carefree days and didn`t pay heed to the long, white, powdery line of Pride and Prejudice that Amazon had arbitrarily downloaded au gratis on my app in their attempt to shoot me up with a hit of Mr. Darcy. I resisted, having already ravaged it in the past, and left my free copy unmolested.
The accidental download happened while trying to advise a friend on how to download her free Kindle app and buy my e-Book, the baby that I had birthed, placed lovingly in a basket and sent adrift down the Amazon (how do like that for a double entendre?). Lo and behold, I was bedazzled by the extremely complicated and brilliantly deceptive ONE-CLICK ordering system and to my total amazement, bought my own book with one click.
I now had the copy of P&P and my own The Saving of NATION, side by side and waiting for me in a wondrously large, empty vault of space. A space with room for hundreds, maybe thousands of novels.
It was then that something in me snapped and I e-Binged until my bloody and battered index fingered required surgery and a splint.
So here I sit, fingers flying over my keyboard so I can get back to my free Amazon e-Shopping. I am in full party-till-you-puke mode, guzzling everything from The Grand Inquisitor by Dostoyevsky and Homer`s The Iliad to Beauty and the Beast by the prolific and ubiquitous Unknown, and some Australian kid`s book about magic pudding. I try and keep my e-Consumption down to 20 e-Books a session, but the thirst in me is mighty. Crazy thing is, is that even if I read a novel a week for the next 300 years, I still wouldn’t finish everything in my Kindle library. I have personally caused more horlight than a PlayBoy Bunny/Hugh Hefner sex tape gone viral.
I know help is there for me if I want it, but the only way you’ll get me to climb the Stairway of Recovery is if it`s in a two-story library.